Bigness

We fail to realize the largeness of our Father's measure, and we forget that He has a measure which cannot be exhausted. It pleases Him when we ask for most. "How much more." It is much more that God shows me. It is on the line of perfect confidence in Him. The confidence comes not from our much speaking, but it comes from our fellowship with Him...The chief thing is to be sure that we take time for communion with Him...There is no limit as to what we may become if we dwell and live in the Spirit...Oh, beloved, may God help us this afternoon to get our eyes off the conditions and symptoms, no matter how bad they may be, and get them fastened upon Him, and then we shall be able to pray the prayer of faith.

-Smith Wigglesworth

I ordered the complete works of Smith Wigglesworth because he was recommended to me by one of my former students and spiritual mentors, Brandon. On first cracking the collection, I found three pieces that I knew needed to be the fodder for blog response.

I have recently been called into a place where God has new information for me. He has given me some insight about my identity. I was having a chat with my former pastor and we were talking about what it is to be available. This is a hard conversation to have between two people who have recently had to close their church doors, doors that we each had helped open. We talked about how hard it is to be so available, but to be without a job, a pastor with no church.

God put a question on my heart as I listened to my brother speak. "When was the last time you were just son?" When he came to a break in the conversation, I asked the pressing question. It stopped us both. What is it to just be son/daughter when you have been wrapped up for years in so many other different roles? What is it to just be available to God as His child? That is a tough question. We have so conditioned ourselves to believe that as children of God, we have to be more focused on the service and ministry aspects of our calling, that we find ourselves with no time, energy or focus for the One Who we are serving. I know that I have read a lot about this recently in different venues, but to be hit with it straight from God's heart to mine is another matter entirely. I asked if maybe God was wanting us to not be available to work, but simply to be available to being loved by God Almighty. Maybe He just wants us to be available to be looked upon, loved on, and lavished on. Maybe He just wants us to be open to being an object of affection. A child. Purely delighted in just because we are who He made us to be: His kids.

I left that night and started praying for my friend. I started praying that God would show him how to just be son. As I prayed for him, I prayed for myself as well. Help me Father to know how to just be Your daughter. That position is one that is pretty new to me. I think God has been inching me toward it for a couple of years. I have learned alot about the perks of being God's kid: the power, the authority, the position, the encouragement to ask for what I want and need and to live in the confidence that all that is best will come forth. But, I know that what I still need to learn is what it is to just be with God, to be open to spending time with Him in which I am not manufacturing the work, the schedule, or the outcomes. I need and deeply desire to just walk through the day or just rest with Him, being fully aware of His presence and His touch. That would require me to be still and know that He is God. The still part gets me.

I thought that night about positions we find ourselves in when we are doing life with God. I thought about the position of sinner saved by grace. I think I have that one down. I have lived in that one for a long time and still get overwhlemed by the bigness of it, but it is more familiar than any other.

The next position that I thought about was that of child. God showed me a few years back when I started on the quest for understanding my "childhood" that to be a child is to be dependent and expectant. That is why God calls us to His Kingdom as children. He wants us to understand that we need Him and to trust that He will be a good Father to us and will provide all that we could ever need.

The position that He hit me with that I have only dared to take a peek at every brave now and then is that of beloved. Oh, that one will do me in. God showed me that night that He wants me to know Him as beloved, wants me to be known as that. Oh, that one scared me. God showed me that He wanted to love me full on. I immediately pulled in, realizing that the fullness of God would totally consume me. It was too big, too passionate, too much for this mortal girl to handle. Yet, God wanted me to open to that. I started sobbing. How could I deal with all of that? How could I even begin to comprehend it?

My fight against it led me to a place of understanding about myself. God showed me that every time that I have felt like I was too much, that I have been rejected for being too much, offering too much, loving too much, that feeling that I felt, that rejection was what I was doing in that moment to God. When I think myself unworthy, not good enough, not productive enough, not capable enough then I say no to love that is offered. Not only am I robbing myself of being loved in its purest and most magnificent form, but I rob God of the ability to give the gift He created me to experience. Doubly denied.

I am everyday, as of that conversation, asking God to show me how to accept and receive His love. I know it is a weird concept, to have to ask God for help in knowing how to be loved, but I seem to be in dire need of that lesson. I know I am in dire need of His love.

Please join me in talking about these thoughts. I want to know what you are thinking and what lessons you have learned regarding this topic. More than anything, I pray that you too will open up to God's love.